Becoming my Mother

 My Mother went through a change in personality during menopause.

Imagine having PMS all of the time, every day turned up to 11.  That was Mom.  She couldn't help it or control it, but me as a 16 year old girl, ALSO going through a similar change, things at my household were explosive.

Fast forward to now, where I am finding myself in my Mother's heels.  They are uncomfortable, they don't fit.  I haven't been able to control my emotions for about 3 months now.  It's gotten worse and worse until now I am so desperate I am putting myself on birth control, and I am not sure it will help, but it certainly won't hurt I don't think.

I wasn't ready for this.  I thought I was.  I thought I was ready to let this go.  After all I've been 30 since I was born, right?  Why would it bother me to not be able to reproduce.

Estrogen has it's talons in every bodily process in a woman in some capacity.  My allergies have been getting worse over the past several years.  My emotional regulation has gotten worse, anxiety has been through the roof, insomnia, mania, depression... Just everything coming at me.  I have been having a really hard time just living my life.

I quit my job in 2018 and started a business.  Then the pandemic happened.

Now I am gainfully employed at the local university doing IT support for a team I once was on as a contractor.

I am so grateful to be back.  Things are finally falling into place in my life and I just...

I feel completely unhinged.  I can't even with this bullshit.  Somehow it worked out that I hit the crazy hormonal shit with Menopause about the same time my credit cleared up, so every weekend I'm getting 1 new credit card, running the bill up, then getting the next one... It's tiring because I know I will have to pay it all back.  I know it will be ok.  I don't know how yet.

Everything feels like the biggest of deals.  I can't help my friends right now, I can barely help myself.  I'm fucking terrified.  So

Birth control.

and now I have to depend on the government not becoming some right wing hellscape to maintain any semblance of sanity.

I'm sick of my feelings being all over the place and I am ready to finally have a calm moment in my life.  I wish my body would just LET me.

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