A Whirlwind of bullshit

 So, this weekend was fun.  Fun in that really stressful yet kinda hopeful way.  We have gained one slightly used 18 years old to join the ranks of our household, or at least temporarily while everyone gets calmed down and ok with one another again.

The whole not knowing what's going to happen from here is a bit jarring, not going to front.  Don't want to get super attached to a person that decides to move away again, plus she's moving away to college in the autumn.  She needs to learn some life skills like taxes and making food for herself that isn't just nutritious but also tastes like something.

I don't know if I have the energy stockpiled but, I'm going to see what I can do about artificially inducing the correct amount of energy for myself.  Today it's been a losing battle so far, I edited a video then retreated to my bed for an hour to warm my toes.  We've got the windows open cus it's actually super nice outside but, it's still cooler than I'd normally keep my house.

Change is the blood of the universe, but being autistic I am not properly equipped to handle it.

The dog will not stop barking because the windows are open and she can hear the neighborhood sounds.  All-day, unrelenting barks.  I'm about ready to take some medication to deal with it.  I can't.

I thought about getting high but getting high when there's a teenager coming home at any moment, I don't want her walking into her stepmom getting high as fuck, that ain't proper.  This is where I differ I think from her previous arrangements.  Cosplaying as "Normal" is a bit difficult for me, but I'm up for it.

A taste of normal is still better than constant surveillance and a practical police state.  If you don't trust your kids, they learn how to lie.  She already KNOWS how, I'd like her to not have to for once.

I'd like her to understand that things are cool no matter what.  There will be disagreements sure, there always are, but not everyone will lord them over your head.

This whole situation has kind of messed with me.  I try to say it hasn't but it has.  It forces me to confront the fact that I lost my kids and although there were reasons, they weren't the usual reasons.  That I was at fault but not entirely to blame for the circumstances I ended up in.  I'm trying to be compassionate to myself.

I'm trying to be compassionate to those who had this young woman under constant surveillance and it's difficult.  I understand their reasoning but the logic is just altogether flawed and foreign.  

"By watching children constantly we are feeding a vicious cycle of fear and anxiety, and teaching children that even the home isn't entirely safe. By reinforcing the idea an attitude of constant vigilance, we are sending the message to our children that no space is sacred, that people are not to be trusted."

And that's not good for anyone.  I have a good friend from elementary school whose Mom was the closest we had to a hover parent in the 1980s, this friend now has one of the worse cases of anxiety and depression that I've ever seen.  I've seen this first hand and I know that it's true.  You can't just do that to people and expect it to go well.  If no place is sacred, then where is a child supposed to find any peace?

Well, I'll just have to create peace here.  I can, and I will.