3/5/2021

 So tech witch blew up the past few weeks and I'm not unhappy about it at all, but wow, working even part time is a bit of a strain right now.  

Atrophy.  The whole of my body has atrophied.  Oohh boy

Husbear says he wants to hit the gym with me later today, so I guess we're going to be doing that.

Concentration has been a sore spot for me, I think one year of taking in only social media and not really being social is having its toll on me.  I need to see people, I'm actually a people person in spite of the fact I don't think I am.  I am just a people person that doesn't tolerate people being abusive toward me.  That means that I will just have to be careful about people who come on too strong or for too long.  You need to be mentally stable to ride this ride, or if not stable, at least working toward stability. 

I've got all these ideas and it seems like I can't just concentrate on one.  Like, I have to do many things at once to feel useful.  But why do I feel the need to be useful?  There are people out there who don't bother with things like feeling useful, they just do the thing regardless of how others feel about it.  I seem to not really care what others think of me and what I do so...

why does it matter then if I feel useful?

These are questions I do not currently have the answer to, and it bothers me a bit.

 So it's co-dependency again, is it?  Oh no, we are not going there.  Fuck that.

Let's move on to Self Compassion Exercises then:

1. First, think about times when a close friend feels really bad about him or herself or is really struggling in some way. How would you respond to your friend in this situation (especially when you’re at your best)? Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you typically talk to your friends. 

I'll use my friend (redacted) as an example.  They will be out on the internet telling everyone how badly they feel about their current life circumstances, not forgetting that others are also having a hard time, but feeling like they should be doing better.  This person has published 2 books with a publisher, is on a regular weekly podcast 3 days a week, and has a decent following on twitch.  People listen to them but tend to tune them out when they're having a hard time.

I remind them that they had dreams, that they've worked toward those dreams, and has been generally doing well, just not as quickly as they want.  They still can't pay their bills, and people have suggestions about what they should do about that.  They tried to move back to Michigan, but at the last possible second their fan base came forward to help support them in every possible way.  

I remind them that they still have friends here in Michigan that still love them dearly and would do anything they could to support their success and growth.  They are not where they want to be in their career but constantly show emotional growth through their medium of choice.  

2. Now think about times when you feel bad about yourself or are struggling. How do you typically respond to yourself in these situations? Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you talk to yourself. 

My tone with myself when I look at all of my failings and weigh-in is incredibly critical.  It is not the way I would choose to speak with any friend at all.  I truly believe at times that I have caused all of the world's ills including things that happened before I physically inhabited this form.

I think about losing my job at (redacted) due to a series of mistakes, I think about leaving my job at UOP to go work at U of M and how that should have been the last step in my career but wasn't because I failed to understand what was required of me.  I didn't ask enough questions of myself at the time to know what I needed to know.  I felt alienated and alone there but at the same time, I felt like I really had a purpose.

When I left (plastics manufacturer) to start Tech Witch, I did so on a whim.  I thought a lot about what I wanted to do in the world, and how I wanted to be treated, but when that failed and I didn't get any customers, I again blamed myself.  I didn't look at the way I was advertising or all the things I could do to make it better, I looked at the big fat F on the movie screen of my mind.  I saw my career failure as a failure, nothing else.  I didn't see the success I could potentially have with Tech Witch, I dwelled on the failings that I had experienced.  I had hoped that UEM would give me a confidence boost that was well needed, and when that failed too I felt as though I was too broken to work outside of the home.  I felt as though I had no real contribution to give to the world.  When I took over at the temple, I felt powerful.  I felt as though I had finally found my workaround, and when I realized I was doing a ton of the work myself and was told that my ethics were not in line with that of the org, I left to regroup and never enter public life again.

But then I realized I needed public life to feel as though I had done something with myself.  I tell people all of the time that "You do not exist to be exploited" yet, when people come to exploit me, I'm happy enough to allow myself to be exploited by them.  

Work is incredibly important to me in order to feel like a member of a productive society, yet I do not feel that as I currently am I can work outside of my house, which limits my income and my ability to use my skills to improve things for others around me.  I do not feel my work is legitimate, and I do not feel as though I am doing enough to help my household.  I do not feel I deserve everything I've gotten, even though I've worked really hard for all of it. At work, I never feel as though I am doing enough or am good enough, so I keep trying harder and harder until I burn myself out.  Yet, those who do the bare minimum coast along and I get in trouble because I feel overwhelmed.

3. Did you notice a difference? If so, ask yourself why. What factors or fears come into play that lead you to treat yourself and others so differently?  

I'm me.  I'm better than that.  I should be able to do everything at twice the speed and half the resistance because I am a gifted child and therefore a gifted adult.  I should be able to burn the candle at both ends, and in the middle, and in the middle of the middle until I'm just a melted pile of wax and feelings.  I usually work too hard.  I need to just concentrate on one thing at a time.  I need to stop being so neurotic, yes there are things wrong with me, but not enough that I cannot go out into public because I'm some weird recluse.  I'm just a bit off, just a bit weird, but that's ok because everyone IS a bit weird.  

I can work hard and give something my all but I need to understand that it won't yield any better results, no matter how hard or not hard I work.  So, just one thing at a time.  Work on 1 task, then work on the next.  Prioritize.  Figure out which tasks are important and which I should take on, and also which I should leave for someone else to do.  KNOW YOUR LIMITS.  Everyone is really struggling right now, and it's ok to feel like you aren't ok sometimes.  It's ok to reject a job if you do not feel like you are the best person to do it, you don't have to force yourself through.  You work for yourself.  You are not a steamroller of a boss.  You are kind to others and try very hard to find a diplomatic way through stress and strain, you can do the same for yourself, you can be your own diplomat.

If people don't understand, they are not obligated to receive an explanation from you.  You can do everything you want to do, but you need to understand that even YOU have limits, and you should not need to run face-first into a brick wall constantly, and light yourself on fire to keep everyone around you warm.

Things will not improve until I learn to accept that I am not kindling.  I am a whole ass human being with whole ass human emotions.  Emotions that will not just go away.  I have to feel my feelings.  I have to understand that being an enlightened being means that you accept yourself, warts and all.

4. Please write down how you think things might change if you responded to yourself in the same way you typically respond to a close friend when you’re suffering. 

I know I'd feel better.  It's just this internal programming that is getting in the way.  I do not need to be the one to rush into a fire.  I need to sit back and let others do things and only do the things that really set me on fire.  I need to write more, talk more, and allow myself to authentically communicate, and if others ask questions they can keep asking.  If I feel like justifying their responses, I can, by communicating.  But I do not need to respond right away.  I can give it time, or I can just not respond and others won't think much differently of me.  

In fact, I don't particularly care what others think, as a rule.  I never have.  If you're happy, you're happy and sure it's your nature to try to bring others along on that journey, but others are not you.  Let people enjoy what they do, and give them the option to enjoy a thing with you, but do not take it personally if they don't.