2/17/2021

There was not another snow day and I'm grateful for the peace and quiet.  I love my husband but he was just in a foul mood all day and it was difficult to see eye to eye with him.  It happens with everyone at any time I suppose.  I can't tell him when he's being a jerk because he's overly sensitive.

Today, my uterus is threatening a mutiny.  I don't usually have this much issue with my monthly visitor but this month apparently she's wanting to show me whose boss.

Sure girl, sure.  You do you, spread your joy or whatever the fuck you're spreading.  Right now it feels like my insides which is... a unique choice.  Not what anyone would have hoped for, but ya know... Farbeit for me to tell you how to do your job, right?

Last night I had a ton of dreams, my oldest son was in them.  I don't remember what we got up to, but it was kid and Mom adventures.  We went places and did things together and that's all that really matters.  At this point, it hardly matters if the time spent was real or not.  It's a reprieve from reality.

Its hard to make my 3 autistic boys understand why it is I miss them so much or why this is such a big deal to me because I don't really understand it either.  The whole Mom child bond is a thing.  I can feel all the kids somewhere within me on a metaphysical level.  I know when they have bad days and I just want to reach out and make it ok, but since I never taught them much of anything metaphysics related, and they were raised as atheist scientists, I can understand why they do not even ask.

Like, by the way, shit you don't know, your Mom has always been somewhat psychic and also a witch.  We didn't talk about that because we wanted you to be able to make the best decisions you could without the harness of religion guiding your actions.  We wanted you to be good for good's sake, not because some invisible sky man told you that you should.

There's just so much I want to tell them and teach them and I just can't.  That was always a challenge raising everyone the way I did.  I just wanted to tell them everything all the time.  I wanted to show them places that were important to me and I just couldn't do it on my own.  My ex wasn't much help.  I didn't want to show him any of that because I knew he'd just make fun of me.  It'd be a "joke" and "joking" was king in our household together.  We laughed our way through it.  I miss the spontaneity, I do not miss feeling as though every now and again the floor was just going to drop out, and that I was going to have to handle the times it would.

Mostly, I just miss my family.  I miss the arguments and the teaching moments and even the chaos.  I miss being the boo boo fixer and the bather.  I miss all the questions.  I even miss the frustration.

I miss the kids hanging on my words and arguing their points, and just being themselves.  They were such sweet children.  They didn't deserve any of the bullshit that happened.  It makes my heart hurt to realize all they've been through because I refused to stand up for their sister for the sake of keeping everyone together.  

It was a difficult choice to let them go.  It was impossible to consider, actually.  Their Adoptive parents jumped in and made the decision obvious.  If I couldn't take care of them, they should at least be with people they knew and loved.  As time went on and it became even more clear my children were stolen from me, that was one of the few reprieves I had was knowing I'd done what I thought was the right thing at the time.

These social workers and lawyers dead ass stood in court and said there was something vile about me.  They looked at my psychological evaluation and determined I shouldn't have kids because I'm autistic and can't tell when someone is threatening them, but offered me no further support.  If I can't tell if my kids are being threatened, how do you think I do when I am threatened?

Then when the adoptive parents went against the psychological evaluation citing other therapists as the reason, but then not showing their work...

I was told I have no legal recourse yet we're going to treat this as an ongoing legal issue?  It's dead, I have nothing!  I laid my weapons the fuck down.  All I can do anymore is make you uncomfortable.  Yes, I'm going to do that because put yourself in my shoes for a second!  Those are MY children.  They came from ME.  I gave birth to each of them, at our marital home.  I nursed them, changed them, and cared for them 24 hours a day 7 days a week, and only brought them to you when I was overwhelmed or when I had to work.  They have my mind.  I understand how their minds work, probably better than they do.  Things happen when you don't see them.  Objects are permanent.  

I have determined I'm not in a good place today, so I guess I'm going to work on that.