A letter to Paul

Hey Paul,

I want you to drop, for a second, your sense of pride to hear what I am actually saying and not what you will undoubtedly read instead. I am saying this to help support YOUR HEALING and mine. It isn't going to be nice or pretty but for fucks sake, someone has to tell you why you're the butt of so many jokes. Also, TRUST that I would not tell you any of this if I didn't care about you. You know how I workman, if I see something I'ma point it out. That's me. Always has been. I was always the translator between you and the rest of the world. I'll take on that role again for a few, but I would not waste my precious time doing so if I didn't feel you were in some way redeemable. I waste my time because I feel as though you CAN recover.

In short, I need you to hear me. I want to help you conclude that may not feel super positive but ultimately will help us all heal. It's important, so I know you'll at least TRY to see things the way I'm laying them out. This is not an attempt to control you or the outcomes of anything, but to help you understand what others are seeing and hopefully help you see why I reacted the way I did to the Brian statements this morning.

Yes, the man charged you and your parents an assload and I can see why ya'all think that wasn't cool, especially when you still ended up in jail.

First, it's an understood thing that all offenders will have at least some amount of time on GPS monitoring after they are released. It was mentioned in every case that day in court, (the original one in September of 2013) aside from yours, because you took the Judge off Guard with your oddball responses, which were maybe due to the baclofen but I don't know and I'm not qualified to answer such a question. You dead ass said, "for her pleasure and mine" instead of "for my own pleasure" to a room full of people, some journalists, and the rest of the goddamn world as a result. Look at that objectively for a sec. Let's say it was Bjorn that said that. Would you still speak to Bjorn after that, or think he was anything less than stark raving mad? NO. You wouldn't. That would have been a hard pass on your part. This is why I do not pass along messages to anyone. People have given up on you, and that's sad, but also true. Jake said if he ever saw you again he'd fucking murder you. Tom was surprised I didn't kill you, as far as others who caught up with me after 2013, they didn't mention it, no one asked where you were except Tom (last name redacted) who, soon after, regretted asking. Don't even get me started on what Ben said. Ben had some choice words for both YOU AND I.

You admitted to the world at that point you had molested a child and thought that the child enjoyed it. So, regardless of anything else you say at this point, that's canon as far as the rest of the world is concerned unless you're going to bring yourself up on perjury. Which, upon seeing the rest of the defendants that day and how they plead, was REALLY WEIRD. Like "There is something extremely wrong with that man." Weird, not "Fun, quirky and a little unhinged." but "What the actual fuck, who is that guy and why has he been out in the world all of this time?"

You weren't in the room for the other cases so you wouldn't have known that. Should Brian have mentioned that? Yes. He should have. But, it's like the idea of buying a newspaper, you fork over the coin and you get a newspaper. It's a cause and effect, plain and simple. Every single goddamn person BUT YOU had that mentioned to them.

Some other background information that you are probably not aware of, you have had 3 articles written about you in the Ann Arbor News since all of this began. They printed our fucking ADDRESS one of the times. I called your brother scared shitless in the middle of the night one night because I kept hearing people knocking on my door, (it was a party upstairs, but immediately after the piece was published.) Every time you go back to court, it's in the news BECAUSE everyone thinks you're a goddamn crackpot. Not because of the way the news wrote about you, but because of those weird-ass responses you gave.

So, when you came back a year or so later demanding a retrial, everyone thought you were nuts because everyone thought you should have gotten way MORE time because of the unhinged responses you gave. When I say everyone here, I am referring to those involved in the case, the journalists, the lawyers, and most of the comments on that piece felt that everything that happened SHOULD have happened BECAUSE of your responses in that original case.

Those responses, unless I am reading this wrong, were NOT Brian's doing. He kept trying to shush you. I saw I was about 5 rows back. The press did not approach Brian for questioning. They did not attempt to get your side of the story from you directly, or from Brian. They let the public record stand. He didn't defame you, (even though you acted hella suspicious and weird) and he did what he could to keep your name out of the papers as much as possible, allowing our children to have a normal life, otherwise, they may have had to change their names as well.

So, I need you to understand something. Brian DID do the best he could for you. The fact he got you such a good plea and you shat on it because they didn't mention GPS monitoring supports the claim that you are completely insane.

I do understand though that you guys felt he should have taken another defense, but with your state of mind at the time it wasn't a possibility. He might have been able to get you an insanity plea IF THOSE EXISTED in Michigan, but they don't.

Your own mother told me SEVERAL times, he made his bed and now he must lay in it. So, I find it interesting that became Brian's fault. The truth is this:

Whether or not you did what you have been convicted of, you admitted to it then and there.

The parties involved were all present, and have ON RECORD what you said to them, which were the words of a truly deranged and quite frankly frightening individual.

When you were being housed in the Washtenaw Prison, I ASKED Monica to come live with me, because on the off chance you could escape, I didn't want to be murdered and thought you may very well try to do me in!

I have NEVER BEEN AFRAID OF YOU in my life, but after you said that stuff in court, I realized that I didn't know you nearly as well as I thought and ASKED my brother if he knew anyone that may want to stand guard for me in the evenings. He mentioned Monica needed a place to stay, and since she has several weapons and a black belt or two, she was an ideal candidate.

So. We've established so far:

People think you are fucking crazy as a loon out here.

It wasn't other people's actions that caused them to think you are crazy, it was yours.

Also, I'm fucking lucky that my name was barely mentioned in the paper. I *HAD* to change my name because my name WAS mentioned in the paper at least once.

Ok, so I hope you've managed to really and truly understand that, moving on.

After a year or so, you decided to call up a retrial because GPS monitoring wasn't mentioned. After all, the Judge was taken aback by your statements, being among the most heinous stuff he had heard at least that day.

Because you didn't ask for the jurisdiction change, these SAME PEOPLE who had already passed judgment on you for the crazy bullshit you spouted were put into the same position. And now they were MAD because you were fighting it. Your case was a departure from reality. The brass tacks of it were literally "I was trying to save my marriage so I told my wife I molested her kid."

Read that as though you weren't yourself for a sec. Look at it objectively.

Do you NOT SEE HOW CRAZY THAT SOUNDS? Say those things as literally ANYONE else and you'd see how fucking wacky it is.

Yes, in our reality truth reigned supreme and it was the only thing that got us through so much of what we went through, so I see where it made sense in your mind, however to the REST of humanity it makes no sense at all. They haven't met me yet. They don't know me and they don't know how I operate. I'm not a typical female. I never have been which is how I always ended up with Narcissists in my inner circle. Because my whole modus operandi at the time was trying to keep things chill. I had the person I loved and we had a family and my whole thing was just maintaining THAT even when it became increasingly clear you were not who I thought you were.

I told you at the time I felt this was a terrible idea. I couldn't stop you of course, because if I could I would have. It was legitimately a TERRIBLE idea and I'm not sure how you got ANY LAWYER to sign on to it. It was clear and plain what would happen, you would get MORE TIME.

And you did. That's a LOSS. Not a WIN. Do you get it, Mr. Trump?

Also, do you see how you are acting like that moron?

So yes, this all happened but it's not all Brian's fault. He got you what he could while considering your mental state at the time. Your mental state, in turn, you are mostly to blame there.

I need you to understand this because it's VERY important to your growth as a human being.

And, it doesn't make you a bad person still. It makes you a person who needs therapy and counseling and possibly medication. It makes you a person who needs an advocate to explain things to you in a way you can understand because you are on the autism spectrum and things don't always make sense to you. If you recall you used to lean on me to help you determine how people were acting and why. Remember Ring of Steel and how I told you everyone was making fun of you and you didn't see it till I mentioned it? Yeah, like THAT.

That suggests you are on the Narcaisist spectrum as well, the blaming of others for things that you plainly did.

And the way to get out of that trap that you are setting for yourself, yes, YOURSELF is to see reality for what it is. Yes, you probably molested my kid, and yes, you are probably aware you did but need me to be on your side because I mean something to you. I was your partner.

The Narcissistic spectrum isn't your fault however, your Dad has it too. He's the one who trained you in it. That isn't HIS fault, someone up the line had it too. Judging by the drinking I'm going to say his Grandfather.

Hurt people, hurt people indefinitely. You have the ability to fix this for generations to come, however, by just starting the difficult work of rehabilitating yourself. I believe in you and I believe you CAN otherwise I wouldn't have maintained contact for as long as I have. This is what we call in witchcraft "Ancestral healing", that is, healing the patterns that keep popping up. Am I worried about our sons developing this? You bet your ass I am. Is there anything we can do about it? Probably not. But for your own sake, you should look at it.

My Father was also a narcissist.

He ended up dying alone surrounded by people he couldn't let in. He was miserable when he passed away, everyone fought, it was a terrible time.

The reason you are unsure of the truth is in a narcissists' mind the truth is fluid. The truth is molded to whatever the narrative is. You have set the narrative for a while that you are not guilty of what you admitted to, and because both you and Lily are on that spectrum too, I'll never know the truth.

And don't misunderstand, everyone has narcissistic tendencies, some amount is healthy, the amount you have is not because you cannot see a reality where you do anything majorly wrong.

This is something you MUST TRY to rehabilitate from otherwise there will be more fighting and terribleness going forward. Your Parents will learn to resent me more, our kids will resent us, and it won't fix anything.

So, please start working on this for me. Please. I need you to do this. I do not like the idea of living in a world where we are psychologically incapable.

You said you'd do anything for me, and I hate to ask, but now it's time to prove it. Our kids need this, I need this, and believe it or not, you do too. It's not going to be fun, and it'll suck, but in the end, I believe you'll be much better off and in a much better headspace if you can. I believe you can.

Anyway, your fate is in your own hands now. It's up to you to do the work.